My little 4 year old!

I don't want to be a "downer" on my son's birthday. But birthdays are one of many things that are bittersweet for me with Brody. I want to be up front about these feelings cause I am hoping by getting them "out there" I will start to either deal with or at least get over it long enough to just be happy and enjoy the celebration of his birthday. I also don't want to be fake and act like Brody's birthday is the same as any other child his age.

Brody still doesn't really talk. There is the occasional word or two. Recently he will quote along with a few words or phrases of a video or song in the video but I would still say Brody doesn't talk. Brody doesn't comprehend a lot of things. Brody has no idea what a birthday is or what it is all about. Sure he loves the happy birthday song and he gets the biggest grin on his face when he hears it. You can tell from how he acts that he knows something like cake or a cupcake come right after the song. But when it comes to a birthday being a celebration of a someones birth he has no idea. Also to date he doesn't understand unwrapping or being given a gift. For Christmas or Birthdays I have always had to unwrap it and show it to him. This might seem no big deal since he is four but after having a child for four years you'd think the day would come that I could feel like I am truly celebrating his birthday with him. Picking out Elmo stuff for his birthday. Seeing him excited to open his presents. Saying thank you to all the family and friends that bought him a present. Telling me and Jake what he wants for his birthday...you know all the things that children do for their birthdays.

More so than that I get sad when it is Brody's birthday cause many parents reflect about how far their child has come since birth. Other than Brody growing physically Brody has not developed normally in most ways. Brody babbles nonsense. Brody doesn't understand he has a brother let alone a cousin or aunt. Brody can't communicate what he wants. Brody doesn't know what a friend is let alone have one at school or at church. He is about a year and two months away from starting kindergarten and there is no way he will be in normal class. So as a mother I am looking forward to a special education program for my child. I never know what Brody will able to do in his life. All of these things make it tough to sit and reflect about the past four years or even the next four years without crying and being sad.

I love and adore my son. I feel that I am not being negative or a downer when I think about all that Brody isn't doing. I love him so much and want him to have a regular and normal life BECAUSE of the love I feel for him. I do realize he has come a long way in just a year but there is a long road a head and sometimes I can't even see the road I just know it is somewhere out there.

I do what I can not to fixate on these things and focus my energy into helping Brody improve and come to terms with it all. But everyday that acceptance and moving on comes very tough for me. I try to comfort myself by thinking, even though Brody doesn't say "mommy" or "I love you" each embrace says it all as I feel his love in that hug. Each time he looks right into my eyes with those brown eyes and long lashes and I feel he is actually looking at me he is trying to tell me all he feels.

Some of these feelings may not make sense to some who don't know much about a child with autism or another mental disability. Just know it is tough for families like ours. We love Brody and though it hasn't been the four years I imagined when he was born I cannot imagine our life without him. I am so thankful for this child who is always happy and has the best smile and cutest giggle.

Now that the "downer" stuff is out of the way here are some pictures of Brody over the years.

My 4 year old today

The next three pictures are fun cause they were taken at his birthday party

3 years old

2 years old

1 year old

6 months old

Right after my little Brody was born

4 years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy

I was in love as soon as I saw him

I also wasn't sure how I was going to do this whole "mothering" thing. I remember feeling overwhelmed cause I was responsible for everything with this baby

But the love was so strong I knew I would make due

And I do make due to be a good mother to this little boy

Everyday I learn and grow to be the right mother to this special child that lights up my life