My little Ryan

Ryan is will be 18 months in just a few weeks! I swear time speeds up for the second child. I cherish that first year and now I just hold him for five seconds before he is desperate to jump out of my arms and run off and chase a ball. He is so adorable and he just cracks up everyone around him.

Haircut

There are only a few noises Brody can't stand and the buzzing of a clippers is one of them. He also HATES being restrained. Brody does not like when you mess with his head. It is almost impossible to actually do his hair and he has never worn a hat since he was about 6 months old. Combining all those elements equals Brody's idea of a living hell - A HAIRCUT.

Haircuts are the absolute worst things in the world for Brody and for the people giving him a haircut. At no point during the haircut does Brody realize he isn't being hurt and it isn't a big deal. So he doesn't calm down at all. And with each haircut, somehow, Brody's phobia of haircuts have gotten progressively worse. On Sunday, Jake's brother, Josh just happened to be over and Becky was also there. They were witnesses to his hysterics (and witnesses to CPS - in case a neighbor called due to the screams - that we were not hurting our son - so far no one has called)!!

It took 1 person to cut the hair and 3 to hold Brody! We buzz his head a couple times a year cause trimming it with scissors just isn't an option. But as you can see from the pictures it was just getting too long. Since he doesn't let me do it his hair ends up looking really crazy most of the time. Here are the after and before pictures (that is just the order at which Blogger put them on).

Venting

My mind works in a strange way. I might be frustrated with one thing but then because of that frustration I pile on other things that might be related to it and then instead of being frustrated about one thing I grow to being angry about a lot of things.



I try to be a positive and relatively happy person.



But today was one of those days.



I hate money. I know most would say I have that opinion cause I don't have it...that might be the case. It is not like I have much to compare to.



Money and greed has become the motivator for modern day evil and horrible deeds. Money is the culprit that causes wars, spurs on the selfishness of big businesses and the government and money even is what can cause problem in marriages and relationships.



That is an opinion I have had most of my life.



Knowing that opinion of mine already it would be no surprise to know I am adding to that opinion. Certain people out there (i.e. special needs children) are in bad circumstances to begin with and without money their situation is made worse which makes it difficult to ever get "ahead" in life.



The angry realization I came to today that started with a frustration I while working with the State. The Arizona government funds the Department of Economic Security (DES) and the Division of Developmental Disabilities (DDD)is a part of DES. I am attempting to have DDD pay for a program that I am trying to get Brody into so he doesn't regress too much without being in a structured environment with other kids between now the time school starts. After dealing with it through lots of follow up consisting of many phone calls and emails for the past week and half I realize one overwhelming fact that makes me more angry than I have ever been:



If Jake and I didn't have to go through the state funded programs (which are basically out of all money and continuing to cut-back) and it takes tons of work to get ANYTHING done it would mean we could do everything we wanted and just pay out of our pocket. Brody could go to one of the few amazing schools that specializes in special education for children with autism (they are only private pay and most cost $20,000 year round). Brody could get more hours of therapies. We could buy some of the same equipment and tools the schools and therapists use and keep them at home for us to utilize. We could of course spend a lot more money on the biomedical treatment. There are a lot of alternative treatments within the biomedical treatment that cost a lot of money that, if we had the financial means, could try.

Jake and I are doing the best we can with the circumstances we are under. Everyone in this country right now are struggling and unemployment is really high right now. I don't feel we have been selfish and bought the nice clothes, fancy car or go on nice vacations and squander our income. Jake is working on his masters and is yet to work in the field he is going into so in a way he has the rest of his career left. There is a good chance the day will come that we are able to do well financially BUT it is right now that matters for Brody. Experts and doctors say the most hours of help, therapies, special education at the youngest age possible will result in the most improvements and progress.

So I guess I am angry cause I hate thinking Brody could be a lot better if we had more money. That shouldn't be how it is - there are state programs and help out there but it is very much like twisting someones arm off just to get the basic needs met let alone the best help out there for children like Brody.



I hate money. I hate people who do horrible things in the name of money, greed and "profit". I hate that those who don't have money are made to, in many ways, suffer cause they don't have money.



I want to go back to the barter system. I wish I could "trade" something to get Brody the help he needs and deserves...not sure what I would trade but at least I would have that option!!



Just venting and wanting a place to put my frustrations and anger

Stuff going on with us

Just saw it and LOVED IT - yes I am another female fan just like the other millions!
Hilarious and cute kids movie

Our new roommates

Saying goodbye...

to these two beautiful kids I had been watching who are now going to be home with their Mommy!

Eventful weekend

This weekend was a fun time for our family. Saturday was the day we celebrated Brody's birthday.


We started out by seeing Toy Story 3. It was Brody's first time seeing a movie in theaters. The AMC theater by us has this wonderful type of screening called, "Sensory Friendly Showing". They only have them about once a month. Anyone can go to them but they are geared towards special needs children. For Brody it was the perfect way to see a movie. The lights are a up, the sound isn't as loud as normal and children are free to make noise, sing, dance and run around. It was a great environment for children like Brody. I thought at some point the big screen or some intense part of the movie would overwhelm him and cause a big tantrum. But he sat still in his seat for the first 25 minutes then ran around for a while and then watched the last 20 minutes (he moved to the front row for that last part - I guess he wanted to be close). We were joined by family which was nice to feel support cause I am sure it wasn't the ideal movie experience for them. It was such a cute movie but I am sure it would have been even better if I would have heard more. We might try another one some time just to see how he does having already experienced it.

Then onto lunch at our house with hamburgers and hot dogs. There were a few presents, singing happy birthday and then wheat and dairy free cupcakes. The best was seeing Brody's adorable, sweet face light up while everyone was surrounding him and singing Happy Birthday.

Sad to say the day was so busy with Jake and I were in crazy dealing with kids/playing host that we didn't get ONE picture of the birthday celebration.



Sunday after church we drove out to our friends who I used to nanny for - well I was a nanny first and then became a friend because I love that family. They live out in the pretty part of the desert in as far North Scottsdale as you can go (I actually drive through Fountain Hills to get there). I used to really enjoy the scenic drive surrounded by beautiful mountains for about a year and half. Glenn was on the road but we had dinner, swimming, playtime and chatting with Shannon and Gage. Gage was just under 2 years old when I started watching him and then I stopped watching him shortly after his 3rd birthday. He is 5 years old now and just as big as can be and he talks so grown up. Brody of course was overjoyed to swim. Ryan loved trying to walk around their nice house with greasy pizza! Jake and I really enjoyed being around Gage again. It was nice to catch up with Shannon cause the visit was long overdue there was lots to chat about.

It was such a nice Sunday evening especially cause it is about 10 degrees cooler where they live!!


Normally I would never post a picture with me looking like this cause, as you can see, I for some reason am having a "fat face" problem. Plus I am in a bathing suit and the dress to cover didn't end up covering that much. I realize my face has gotten fatter over the years but I know I don't look that bad. But I decided to sacrifice my pride to show off this cute picture with Gage and the miracle that is- Ryan looking at the camera.

Shannon and Gage
This picture is from February of 2007, the month after I started taking care of Gage. Gage is 23 months and Brody is 8 months!!


I am sad to not take care of Gage and see him a few days a week but I love that little boy as if he were my own. Jake and I were talking on the way home Sunday night (trying to talk over Ryan's screams) and we are both grateful for the chance I had to work while still being able to take Brody with me and earn an income. But more so Jake and I are grateful to have Shannon, Glenn and Gage in our lives...even if we don't see them all the time. Crazy how some people come into our lives and make such an impact.


All and all it was a lovely weekend for Brody and our family. We are blessed with a wonderful family and amazing friends!!

Happy Father's Day to all

We had an interesting Father's Day. I wanted to spoil my man who does so much for our little family to show my thanks, especially cause he does such a good job doing the same for me come mother's day. Unfortuately this year's father's day was the weekend following getting my wisdom teeth out so I was sort of out of comission. But Jake is grateful for the little things. He got cold cereal in the morning and as long as he got to watch a little World Cup he was good.

I am so thankful for him and to all fathers for the special role you play in the life of your child - big and small.

My little 4 year old!

I don't want to be a "downer" on my son's birthday. But birthdays are one of many things that are bittersweet for me with Brody. I want to be up front about these feelings cause I am hoping by getting them "out there" I will start to either deal with or at least get over it long enough to just be happy and enjoy the celebration of his birthday. I also don't want to be fake and act like Brody's birthday is the same as any other child his age.

Brody still doesn't really talk. There is the occasional word or two. Recently he will quote along with a few words or phrases of a video or song in the video but I would still say Brody doesn't talk. Brody doesn't comprehend a lot of things. Brody has no idea what a birthday is or what it is all about. Sure he loves the happy birthday song and he gets the biggest grin on his face when he hears it. You can tell from how he acts that he knows something like cake or a cupcake come right after the song. But when it comes to a birthday being a celebration of a someones birth he has no idea. Also to date he doesn't understand unwrapping or being given a gift. For Christmas or Birthdays I have always had to unwrap it and show it to him. This might seem no big deal since he is four but after having a child for four years you'd think the day would come that I could feel like I am truly celebrating his birthday with him. Picking out Elmo stuff for his birthday. Seeing him excited to open his presents. Saying thank you to all the family and friends that bought him a present. Telling me and Jake what he wants for his birthday...you know all the things that children do for their birthdays.

More so than that I get sad when it is Brody's birthday cause many parents reflect about how far their child has come since birth. Other than Brody growing physically Brody has not developed normally in most ways. Brody babbles nonsense. Brody doesn't understand he has a brother let alone a cousin or aunt. Brody can't communicate what he wants. Brody doesn't know what a friend is let alone have one at school or at church. He is about a year and two months away from starting kindergarten and there is no way he will be in normal class. So as a mother I am looking forward to a special education program for my child. I never know what Brody will able to do in his life. All of these things make it tough to sit and reflect about the past four years or even the next four years without crying and being sad.

I love and adore my son. I feel that I am not being negative or a downer when I think about all that Brody isn't doing. I love him so much and want him to have a regular and normal life BECAUSE of the love I feel for him. I do realize he has come a long way in just a year but there is a long road a head and sometimes I can't even see the road I just know it is somewhere out there.

I do what I can not to fixate on these things and focus my energy into helping Brody improve and come to terms with it all. But everyday that acceptance and moving on comes very tough for me. I try to comfort myself by thinking, even though Brody doesn't say "mommy" or "I love you" each embrace says it all as I feel his love in that hug. Each time he looks right into my eyes with those brown eyes and long lashes and I feel he is actually looking at me he is trying to tell me all he feels.

Some of these feelings may not make sense to some who don't know much about a child with autism or another mental disability. Just know it is tough for families like ours. We love Brody and though it hasn't been the four years I imagined when he was born I cannot imagine our life without him. I am so thankful for this child who is always happy and has the best smile and cutest giggle.

Now that the "downer" stuff is out of the way here are some pictures of Brody over the years.

My 4 year old today

The next three pictures are fun cause they were taken at his birthday party

3 years old

2 years old

1 year old

6 months old

Right after my little Brody was born

4 years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy

I was in love as soon as I saw him

I also wasn't sure how I was going to do this whole "mothering" thing. I remember feeling overwhelmed cause I was responsible for everything with this baby

But the love was so strong I knew I would make due

And I do make due to be a good mother to this little boy

Everyday I learn and grow to be the right mother to this special child that lights up my life